Dazed And Confused

Dazed and Confused would be an excellent duo name for my father and I right now. He’s delirium was rubbing off on me today. I walked every isle of the grocery store twice. I got so many things. Notable purchases include frozen blueberry waffles (store brand), three large Hoop House Cucumbers (the ones wrapped in cellophane), four underripe bananas, red velvet cake mix (Duncan Hines), red dishwashing gloves (desperately needed), and last but not least a lavender scented toilet bowl cleaner. I was really splurging. I bought a scrub daddy for gods aches. Still can’t believe SharkTank passed up that investment opportunity. I sure wouldn’t.

Back to the point of this post, Dazed and Confused. Interchangeably we could be one or the other. I am forgetting how to finish a thought when speaking with others. I am tired and it is showing. He is forgetting everything. As we all know, death is really quite an obvious thing. It in incredible how well his heart still beats.

I didn’t get to the hospital until 12:45pm today. I have an obligation on Monday mornings. Apparently my father was asking where his family was to nurses. Like we never come to visit. This really hurt me because I am there many hours of the day, everyday, and it doesn’t seem to matter. All he wants is my brother. Sure, I have to check my father for poop, and be the one that plans his earthly departure, but he doesn’t thank me– he wants my brother. I guess it’s about time. I spent most of my childhood trying to get my dad to love my brother as much as he loved me. My father used to tell me he loved me more than him. It made me upset. I have always been very protective of Conor. For this reason, I am taking on 100% of the caretaking responsibilities. He is younger than me, and deserves to get a shot at his youth before retiring to whatever I am doing.

After my obligation, the hospital, and the grocery store, I planted some more flowers. Tubers to be exact. If you don’t know, tubers are nutrient stores that grow off of roots. One common tuber we all know is the potato. Dahlias are also tubers. I planted six today. I also planted five Butterfly Milkweed (Asclepias tuberosa) tubers. It was warm enough to take my shoes off and walk around barefoot. The Sweetbay Magnolia (Magnolia virginiana) across the street was wafting it’s wonderful blooming perfume across the street with the light breeze. I felt guilty for feeling happy. I have been told that grief comes in waves and I think I am beginning to understand that. Beauty never stops, but neither does death. All of this thought just from digging and filling some holes in the front yard of my new responsibility. There is a very tall oak right in the middle of the front yard with a very long yellow rope wrapped around it. I hooked the dogs up to it and they sunbathed as I gardened and we all basked in spring.

Looking forward to chatting tomorrow.