Activity Write-Up

Already at 1:26pm, I have answered eight phone calls, and dozens of texts regarding the status of my father’s health. I forgot to mention yesterday, there was an accident. We can touch on that at a later date. This was the first morning since the accident that I’ve been able to do something focused on my future. I took the train into the city early this morning to attend a preliminary orientation for graduate school. First time testing out the commute, a swift one hour, which I’m happily surprised and relieved about.

By the grace of God (I am still deciding if I believe in God or if I believe that using the name in a sentence emphasizes emotion) no one called or texted during the forty-five minute presentation. For forty-five minutes I was just caring about me. Of course that’s not really accurate, when someone you love is sick you check your phone like an addiction. You check that your ringer is on at all times— it’s impulsive, really.
Regardless the respite is over and I am back to phone calls, text messages and emails. I am learning a new language, one only spoken around sick people. Words like palliative. Sounds like papillae which is an insect’s sphincter. I guess they don’t really sound similar, but they have similar meanings both regarding shitty situations.

I’ll have to walk a mile or so back to my new responsibility (home and dogs) from a different train station as I am learning the station near the house is not as reliable as I’d originally hoped.

My mom is leaving today, she doesn’t live nearby anymore. Come tonight, I will be alone in my new responsibility.

I am feeling fear. It’s not hard for me to admit. I am incredibly independent— much more equipped for this type of situation compared to my cohort and yet, I still feel fear. It is the type of irrational fear like monsters under the bed or the shadows from trees making dark moving figures on the walls. I am hoping that the more trees I plant, the more shadow dancing I’ll be comfortable with.

I was up late last night (not that late, I’m being dramatic. Maybe midnight) researching feng shui. Historically, I have not appreciated others offering their expertise in feng shui because just feels like a way to disguise judgement. I want to rearrange the bedroom for optimal feel-like-something-different energy.

The bed is huge. It is too big for my chronically short-term relationship body. I wish to get rid of it and bring my appropriately-sized bed for a single woman in her late twenties but I am facing some roadblocks. 1. It’s a ton of work, 2. It is not a one person job, 3. It feels wrong to get rid of my dad’s things before he is dead.

My father has a lot of crap, it’s amazing that one person can fill that much house. There is so little space for me it is like I have to edit his life in order to fit myself in. Maybe a storage unit will fix this issue but that is just one more responsibility I’ll need to manage and I’ve already adopted quite a few this week.

A few dear friends are coming tomorrow. Four to be exact. We were kids together, and now we are adults together. I’ve lured them in with the promise of bagels and coffee— effectively disguising their physical exertion for breakfast in my new digs. I need help moving two of the three chest of drawers out of the bedroom. I also need someone to take the fifteen reams of copy paper (he doesn’t even own a printer. Not even a broken one) to the library to donate. This is what my mind is like recently, a constant check list of must-do’s of varying severity and urgency.

Leah, Matt, Izzy and Kevin have been in my picture since my fourteenth birthday. Izzy and Kevin are engaged as of last fall, Leah is dating a man with curly hair named Patrick, and Matt, similarly to myself, is chronically single. We used to all live in the same neighborhood in the city, but every one knows all things must end. I’ll tell you more about them later, this was just a brief introduction.

Wrapping up, another call comes in telling me I need to decide by tonight what is going to happen with my dad. Is that a decision that is supposed to be made this quickly? I thought maybe there would be at least a little more time to think. Regardless, I am going to start working on my curtains when I get home and will add a picture soon so you can understand my fabric dilemma from yesterday.

I look forward to chatting tomorrow.